I am going through a difficult situation. I have a verbally abusive roommate that is constantly calling me stupid, and using four letter words every time we have to talk about anything. They are moving out and finding a new situation, finally! This has been going on for two years, and I made the mistake of getting romantically involved with them. When that went bad, and it did quickly, it has been like living in a war zone. To make matters worse, I covered their share of the rent while they were unemployed for over a year so they would not find themselves homeless. Their unemployment barely covered utilities and other expenses. I already know that I will never see repayment of the rent owed me, for I did not have them sign an agreement.
The words that they have said to me, stupid being the nicest, ring in my ears every time I think about or see them. I do not know how to process this. How do I get these words out of my head and move on?
-Four Letter Frenzy
Thank you for your email and question. I am so sorry for the pain that you are experiencing. I thank you for writing in for this is such a common problem in relationships in downward spiral that it needs to be addressed openly, and without any shame for what you have and are experiencing!
Verbal abuse is coupled with emotional abuse. First realize this:
Anybody that resorts to name calling and four letter words has the issue, or at the very least has a passive/aggressive, entitled point-of- view (as in I demand to be treated with respect even though I may not have garnered it). It is a sign of insecurity and the need to be the center of attention, even if that means it is through negative reinforcement.
As to the rent for a year issue:
You are right in letting it go. Without any sort of documentation or proof that you covered their rent, you really have no legal or financial recourse. Take this as an expensive lesson. Remember this every time that you feel the urge to rescue someone that is really looking for a free ride.
But let's stick to the positive side of this situation!
*You have learned to look before you leap when getting romantically involved with a roommate.
*You will be more discerning in the future with whom you will choose to sign a lease with whom you will sublet a space.
*You know your value! More specifically, you already know that if you find yourself in a situation where this pattern reveals itself, you will disengage immediately.
Now as to how to get the four letter words and negative adjectives (undeserved) out of your head:
When you start to hear them coming through, acknowledge them.
Now realize that you did not deserve them and that you do not have to accept nor hear them again.
Replace the negative words with what you would have preferred to hear. Realize that nobody but yourself is in charge of how you feel about yourself...nobody.
Stand tall, be confident, know that you are a Divine Child and that you have the power to step away and disconnect from negative people in your life.
The last step is the hardest, Dear One:
Forgive your roommate for what they have done as much as you can each time that you recall the abuse. Realize that you do not have to accept the victim role, and BE empowered.
Send them a blessing or say a prayer for their well-being, and really mean every word.
When you send a blessing when you have had someone cursing you, it aids in healing you. It takes the negatively charged energy being directed towards you (they were more than likely angry at someone else to whom they could not express their rage, utilizing you as an energetic scapegoat), and the energy takes a 180 thanks to your efforts to intentionally utilize your personal alchemy (turning negative to positive).
The deeper issue, Dear One, is that you attracted this energy into your life. Take some time and begin to look at how you feel about yourself:
Do you feel loved and lovable?
Do you feel that you deserve happiness?
Do you deserve positive and reciprocal relationships?
Do you unintentionally set yourself up to be the scapegoat?
Does this tie into any familial relationship patterns (Dad yelling at Mom, etc...)?
Has this type of relationship occurred before in your life? If so when, at what ages?
Do you subconsciously sabotage yourself?
When is the last relationship or circumstance that positive reinforcement got as much attention as negative reinforcement?
Why do you feel the need to rescue people that are actually taking advantage of your kindness and compassionate nature?
Dear One, I would suggest that you work with someone that can help you address all of these points to begin to heal your life so you can begin to attract loving and kind people into your life.
I want you to know that you are loved, you deserve to be loved, you are beautiful inside and out, and you are much more powerful than you know.
I love you and I believe in you. Stand tall knowing that you ARE a Divine Child. There is only one of you in this vast Cosmos, and you bring something special to each day to all of us.
If I can be of further support, please call me, and let's walk through this together and see a positive and happier reality.
In Divine Love,