I have been married to a narcissistic man for many years. We had 2 children together, so I waited until they were out of the home, graduated from University, and had moved forward into their adult lives. My husband is quite critical, rude, and demanding, cold, and has no barriers to when he will say and do very cruel things to me. He lately has been doing them in public, and in front of his friends, whom are always over here playing pool and drinking beer. I have been finding myself very depressed, and even at my lowest point a few weeks ago, considered taking my own life. I have not filed my new will leaving all of my possessions to the children yet, so I put that thought aside. I am leaving him, and have been planning to do so for awhile now. Once I tell him that I want out, I know that the fallout will be significant. I am at this point fighting what I will call a serious depression, where I feel like I am wearing a fake smile when I go in public, and crying when I am at home. I am hanging on by a thread, and that is the hope that I will be free of this man and this marriage. At this point I don't even care whether I live in a cracker box or a house. I just want out. What can I do to make it through until I can afford to live on my own? I am desperate!
-Hanging on by a Thread-
Thank you for having the courage to share your letter. I know that there are women (and men) that will resonate with what you are experiencing. It is not easy living with someone that is all about themselves, and that has no empathy for you. It is eroding and draining, so your depression is no surprise. Sadly there are people in marriages of this quality all over the world, who suffer through year after painful year. I feel such a wave of relief that you made the decision to leave rather than to end your life. Suicide would have only caused a great deal of pain to your beloved children, family, friends, and all that love you.
It does not have to be your reality any longer. Start changing your patterns now. By this I mean:
Even though it is hard, spend time with friends that love and care about you. Refrain from talking about your marriage or your husband, that will only make it harder to transition when you DO have the resources to file for divorce. This is about you cultivating you OWN culture. Your spouse surely does have his with the friends over all the time!
Refrain from drinking, for alcohol is a depressant and will not help you heal in the long run.
Begin to make your life as separate as possible, and change your routine as if you were already single.
Fix yourself up, so that you feel beautiful again! If you like what you see in the mirror, that will give you a small lift. Get some new clothes, bright and cheery colors, too! Change the way you dress to reflect you NEW lifestyle.
Seek counseling from a minister ( not yours and your husbands), counselor, or therapist.
If this heavy depression does persist, please go to your doctor, whether it is your Naturopath or MD, and get some help with it! There are not only pharmaceutical remedies, but holistic ones as well. Getting that small lift can help you overcome depression so you are back on track to a healthier, happier, and joyful you!
Gradually stop doing things for him. By the time you tell him you want the divorce, it will be easy to walk away, for you are already gearing your routing around you.
Make sure that you are getting out and walking, going to the gym, or exercising. Preferably with a friend to keep you motivated.
Trust your intuition! Holding off on walking away will not change anything. He is very unlikely to change. All the while your life is now.
Refrain from getting involved in another relationship or dating until your head is clear. You might find yourself attracted to another man that is just like your husband again. Give yourself a year, just getting to know you again! Reconnect to your kids, for they will need you and be looking for answers as to why you and Dad split up.
Dear Heart, you are doing the right thing. Please call me if I can be of support. I have added you to my prayer and healing manifestation list, which is activated twice a day.
In Divine Love,
(P.S. This letter moved me deeply. Depression and Suicide are a prevalent theme in this world, and it does not have to be this way! Sharing how you are feeling with someone that you trust, and reaching out for help before you spiral into a dark and deep depression are key. Please reach out rather than struggle alone, Dear Ones. You are deeply loved and needed! Let us remember to be KIND to one another, to offer unconditional love and support. You never know the difference that you will make in someone's life by even the smallest act of love, kindness, and generosity)