An entirely free intuitive advice column by Spirit Blossoms Psychics. Images courtesy of Tway Huynh, photographer.
Please submit your questions to Shirahz@spiritblossomspsychics.com
Dear Garden Oracle,
I love my husband, but I do not trust him. The sacred trust that we have was broken several years ago when I caught him in the act of chatting with another woman through an online dating website. My heart crashed, but because of the kids, we decided to stay together as it would be more affordable for both of us that way. I forgave him, but I cannot forget what happened.
Although we have tried marriage counseling, and to rekindle the love and trust, that day has stuck with me. Even though he did, or so he says, immediately remove himself from all the dating websites, I still do not trust him. When he is an hour late from work or he avoids talking to me, I wonder...is he doing it again?
Now he is acting the way that he was, hiding his phone, coming home later and later from work, and is very distant. I am tired of this and don't know what to do. I took the vows "til death do us part" in front of God, our family, and friends, and I take this vow seriously. This is definitely the worse part of for better or for worse. I am miserable. I have chronic headaches, and feel like a single Mother. I am grateful that I have a job and save money in a private account every paycheck.
When I try to talk to him about what I am feeling or try to ask where he has been or why he is late, he shuts down and says that we will talk about it later. Later never arrives.
Should I leave? Try marriage counseling again? I have reached my breaking point and need to either move on, and heal a broken heart, or stay and see if he is willing to fix this.
-Heart Heavy Wife
Dear Heart Heavy Wife,
Thank you for your email. I am so sorry that you are going through this Dear Heart. You have been and are a loving and loyal wife despite your husband's past history and behavior.
The first and most important action to take? You need support!
Connect with a women's group at your church and please do talk to your pastor. Isolating yourself is not where you will find the answers, nor is prayer alone. God does ask that we take action as part of the Sacred contract we have with Him.
Secondly, if marriage counseling did not help the first time, with your family at stake, it likely will not work now.
Thirdly, trust is challenging enough before it is broken and even more so when there is a breech of trust such as this.
It can be repaired with both parties equally invested and genuinely sorry for what has occurred. he would need to take ownership, full ownership for the deviance from the marriage. You would take ownership in your part of things. Then you CAN rebuild trust! He would have to agree to let you have open access to his life, including his cell phone and computer. As he would have access to yours. Trust building can be an arduous process, but it can be done.
Here is the test: If is weren't for the kids, would you stay? Or would you choose to leave? Don't question that first instinctive answer! If that inner voice said, leave, then you know what you need to do.
He is demonstrating all the signals of a infidelity, so please do trust your intuition. Go to your pastor, and share your dilemma. Seek this guidance before you make your decision.
In either event, do not share your plans with anyone else. People will talk and that can make things all the harder in an already tense situation. (especially if you decide to divorce and want to gain sole custody or custodial parent status!)
Please DO make sure that the kids feel loved, secure, and are not feeling that they are the cause of the problems between you and he. They DO know that you and he are not doing well and have not for several years now. The more they shut down or act out, the more stressful things are for them. You could very easily co-parent and have much happier children. I do not advocate breaking families up, unless it means that staying in the marriage is damaging to the kids. They are watching you and your husband and they are likely to choose mate with the same issues that you are experiencing, as adults.
Blessings as you make your decision, and please know that the Divine is with you always.
Please call me if I can be of support to you.
In Divine Love,